1. Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.
2. Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.
3. Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.
4. Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.
5. Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.
6. Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.
7. Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.
8. Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.
9. Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)
10. Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)
11. Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.
12. Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.
13. For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.
Thirteen ideas for your leftover turkey, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
I just heard that The Graveyard Book has gone back onto the New York Times Bestseller list, at #5. The whole book is waiting for you absolutely free at http://www.mousecircus.com/videotour.aspx, if you do not mind listening to me read it.
(Also, if you want, you can watch me read it.)
But mostly it’s to let people know that it’s there and free, if you think you might like to see what it’s like…
An actual phone call I just received at work
- Me: Thanks for calling Allstate, this is Brittany!
- P: Hi Brittany. I just crashed my car. Into another car.
- Me: Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! Is everyone ok?
- P: Well not really. My cars broken.... and I'm very drunk.
- Me: ... I'm sorry, what?
- P: Yeah, I can't drive it, the side is all smas-
- Me: I'm sorry, did you say you were drunk?
- P: Yeah, like double the legal limit, according to the police. Still pretty buzzed.
- Me: (Long moment of silence) OK... are the police still there?
- P: Probably not anymore? I can ask if you want.
- Me: ... are you... still with them... www-?
- P: Yeah, I'm in jail. For the crash... and the drinking.
- Me: Oh... ok?
- P: Mostly the drinking.
- Me: I'm sorry... what is it you need from me?
- P: Either a new car, or a ride home (Bursts out laughing)
- Me: ....?
- P: Haha! Hahahah! Ahhhhhh.... but seriously, what's my policy sitch? Because I just fuuuuuucked uuuuuuuupppppp (More staticy drunk laughter)
"I’ve found out a good amount through the years," Phillip said to the interviewer. He looked into the interviewer’s eyes with the confidence he could usually only show himself in the mirror.
"I know that there’s the possibility of an infinite amount of universes with almost absolute certainty.
"I know that life within our known universe is borderline impossible without the various intricacies of particles and forces acting on, canceling out, and redirecting each other into a perfect harmony.
"I know that gravity is the big issue with trying to figure out ‘The Theory of Everything’ and that if we could just find five to seven as of yet undiscovered particles it would all make sense and the universe could be deemed ‘natural’ as Einstein put it.
"I know that time travel backwards is impossible short of travelling at the speed of light and traversing the circumference of a cylinder that equals infinity. And even then I’d only be able to travel a second back, just enough to wave goodbye to myself.
"I know that you and me and everything you see could be nothing more than an illusion of our perception. Hell, those leaves outside on those trees aren’t even green. They’re every color but green. We’re only seeing what’s reflected back out at our eyes. The world you see is, in essence, a lie.
"I know that the stars we see are a reflection of our past and that it’s a picture of what the galaxy was hundreds of thousands of years ago. One day, they’ll just start to disappear and we’ll begin to realize that maybe, just maybe, the reason we can’t find anyone else is that we’ve been alone long before we realized we were conscious. Maybe they got to where we are or just a bit further before they blew themselves up over religion or politics or power sources.
"And most of all, I know that none of that knowledge matters to you, sir. Nor that I have a master’s degree. And that I lost this job well before I even opened my mouth. Mainly because my suit jacket has a hole in it and I forgot to shave."
"We’ll just consider that waste of my time you’re third strike for the interview," the interviewer told Phillip with a cold gaze. “We require more professionalism if you’re going to be a sales associate here at Wal Mart.”